revelations

face flat on the desert floor, I feel as if I am about to be slain, seven heads and seven stars, and the stars shine so Brightly.Do you have a choice?

2005-09-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

There is an air of unfamiliarity pushing against my boundaries rather violently.
I think I kind of like it. I cannot imagine a future that does not exist.

I have been wondering what are the important parts of understanding suffering? How quiet is my suffering in relation to yours? Do you cycle through your lessons and pain many times over, or is it a one shot deal? Do you choose to suffer? I have found that by sight of the symptoms of a great body of illness and joy, that one can get to the core of this issue rather cleanly. This is not to say there are answers, or an answer. Rather we each possess sight, hands, feet, love. These are answers, right? If we cycle through pain, can we not also be dislodged? If it is a choice to suffer, can't we choose to not suffer. We may still have symptoms. We may still die of cancer. But our hearts and souls will rest in eternal release.

haimona is now an emerging adult!

2005-05-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

Well...my absence now has no excuse as I am now, at least briefly, completed with my higher education. This year has been a whirl of intensity, in academic and spiritual, not to mention personal realms. I am emerging from this dark academic cavern bright faced and informed. I have good grades! Which I cannot help but be thankful to God, because I have a most difficult professor! This time comes to a close this Sunday at my commencment! This time has been a time of liberation from personal shackles and withstanding barricades! Maybe it's spring, and growth. Maybe it's an entire welcoming and fearing of God's prescence in my heart. My prayer is to welcome that prescence more. To be more broken and humble. To praise. To step up to the plate, and do whole heartedly what I need to do! Praise be!

Bonjourno!

2005-04-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am in the midst of radical change! I am finding God in every corner where there was once darkness, I am close with the people around me, I am about to graduate from college, I am about to turn a year older....it seems that everything is converging in my sight, and I am recieving it. There are so many predetermined transitional points in our lives! I feel like I am actually present for these, and using them to truly propell forward. Peace. Mim

Grace

2005-04-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

Names are a funny thing....one of my friends, who I have known for quite some time mind you, was convinced my name was Grace. Another one of my friends quite a bit of time ago was sharing a tent with me, and also called me Grace in the middle of the night when I finally went to rest my head. I have been thinking about Grace latley. I feel Spirit has endowed me with sight of the gifts that I have to serve as a conduit of Grace. So maybe the name serves as a reminder to stay with Spirit.

a long time ramblin'

2005-03-21T23:23:00.000-08:00

Whoa! It has been a month without blogging! How do things like this happen? Well...a clue in to the ol' world of whimsymim! I have been Singing, singing, singing! Fearsome legs, apologies and all, and I have a gig this saturday with some great friends at a local coffee shop. The most amazing things are happening, and it's all pouring from Spirit! Every cell and inch of me is thankful and in love! It's easy writting songs when your in love. Some people write about being in love with other people, and i just write about being in love! The subject will never tire me! well...i shouldn't strain my fingers that are out of typing shape, or spend all of my typing in one spot! goodnight world, goodnight moon! Peace. Mim

sosososo much!

2005-02-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

Bonjourno web world! I appologize for my tardiness as of late, but my world is exploding with multiple layers of intensity! I have been opening my world view, sorting my spiritual community connection, meeting new people, making a CD, finding a voice in the visual art world, eating super healthy and with consciousness, praying, purging, writing, and connecting with my future self to see what the heck I am going to do after graduation. Whew! I am contently wiped! So I thought that I would check in and update! I hope that the whole of anyone who reads this is well and in love with being! Peace! Meghan

and then...there was everything and a whole lot of questions.

2005-02-18T15:38:00.000-08:00

trophy...what is slain to merit reward? Why do we go with selected versions of our whole beings to fill what's lacking. Why not just fill out what's lacking, and be whole. Why do we need trophies, both declared and invisible, to validate the fullness and investment we have in life? Why does being human need to be more? Am I the same species? Where is my three-year-old self? Or my 30? Is Everything important? Are there different Gods, and are they all known? Is everything simultaneous? Are infinite and eternal applicable to God, or just human consciousness? Exactly how limited are we? If we know that we are in fact all connected, why do we still make choices that are not with love?

Related not by blood, but by water...

2005-02-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

When the body of blood has disapeared,
what is left, but water.
What a large family we have! I am releiving the last threads of despair concerning my blood relatives. I cannot bear to feel shame and sorrow for things I have not lost. When my father has shamed or hurt me, I have lost nothing. When my mother is wandering through her pain and flits a mirror towards me to deflect from herself, I have lost nothing. When strangers and relatives have tried to steal from me, they left with empty pockets and hollow hearts, because I feel full. I intend to hold to thiers no longer. With the assistance of Spirit I release the body of my blood, in ego, and memory leaving only water. I intend to bend a compassionate ear to Hear the body of God, and reach out my hand to this family. (...pull me out from inside...I am ready...)

So in love...

2005-02-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

Wow. God speaks though every person. Every reflection and moment is intrinsically and rhythmically linked! I have made incredible friends in the last few days. Deeply digging and thoroughly resting. I was not pretending to be someone else...so they will not meet another "me" later on. I have heard the voice of God clearly move through me, as well as in the voices of those who are close to me, and all voices are saying the same thing..."BE!" "Awaken!" "You have a job to do.... and that is to Love...get on it!", I am not afraid. I am recording tonight with a woman who really sings with me. The tone of her voice lifts mine, and mine hers. We create a vibrational and tangible love that transcends any other singing experience I have had. I have approached deep seeded residue of pain, and it has made a move to purge and heal. I found out today when I will, along with a very close friend, have a real gig...with a poster...and people there to see us...Yea! I am so in love!

what a time this has been!

2005-02-03T18:21:00.000-08:00

The past month has been such an explorative time, filled with love and spirtual growth. I feel as though very little can sway me into any emotional extremes. This has led to an awareness of compassion and projected warmth. I feel brighter. Actually in church the other day, this young man that I met the first time I attended this church about 7 months ago, came up to me and stated that he noticed how radiant I have become. I realized that this is true! I have always possesed a heart for joy, but never gave myself enough permission to release it. I have begun to really dance when i feel i need to dance. As well as really sing. I was in this revival concert the other night with the Choir for Higher, and I was so filled with love that I found myself close to the ground talking with Spirit, broken. I was told that the bottom line, is Love. This world and time can fill itself with jargon and noise, but if the world does not have enough Love to know how to chose Love, then nothing can go on. Words for Love don't matter, how Love happens doesn't matter. We are all different, unboxable reflections of the Divine that have a frequency that needs to awaken and declare what it knows. I feel such an urgency with this matter. We need to listen to, revive, and share all of the different ways to love, now. Again...this is no time for sleeping.
Much love and many wishes for the time to come. Mim

This is no time for sleeping!

2005-02-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

This IS no time for sleeping...nestled down in the rabbits fur, unable to see, safe, warm. This is a time to be radical, and to radically transform. Raising high the grey semantical, dividing walls so that they can be exposed and shattered. Hit the streets...pour yourself out...we've got to get this body moving!

ruminations

2005-01-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

...It's surprising that I have not written in a few days...as school has started I have become a little less regular in posting.
The last few days have been particuarly special, as well as complicated! Earlier in the week I was invited to work with a visiting artist named Allison Knowles. She was a founding member of a movement of art in the 60's called Fluxus, which delt with process oriented art frequently using sound and performance to bring people, artists and observers alike into the moment that they are presently in. We started working on a body of work yesterday, to perform it today! It was an incredible experience both during the concieving of what we were going to do, loosely planning it, to then get up in front of people to include them with our experience.
The frequent amount of times I have found myself in front of people, performing in some way, or even just being, around, the more I understand accepting myself. Not a self that is localized to an ego, or a particular set of causes and conditions, neither divorced from that...just a being. A collection of concentrations. Accepting what I know along with what I do not. Not limiting myself to one plane of existance or dimension. Sharing.
The last week has had exhausting elements in it. The closer I am to not being swayed into extreme emotions, the more is tryed at me. There is so much drama around this isolated community that I have lived in for a number of years now. So many inter-woven identities that are begining to find thier way free.
Well...that may be all for right now. There will be more soon. I have not forgotten about my Christ post that I promised a few posts back...but I am choosing to take my time. I wish all wellness and blessing. Mim

with these fearsome legs I will stand

2005-01-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

I pray to be able to sing in public!
I can write songs, and sing isolated in my room, moving like honey, connected to everything, but as soon as I am in front of other people, my kness give out and my voice usually crumbles out of my body because my heart ends up in my throat! I intend to sing more, outside of my room. I have so many quite things to say, and I have a voice, I just need to not be afraid of letting go, and sharing it. I ask to share more of myself.
peace. mim

new Love.

2005-01-23T20:35:00.000-08:00

Today, I revel in this new Love.
The pressing demands of my desires are quieter now,
heart strains to Hear,
pressing hard against the worlds sphere of caucophonous analysis,
and learns to Begin.

I am working on an in depth essay about my relationship with Christ. When I have formed something in my heart I will transpose it with my hands to your eyes.
With Love, mim.

journeys

2005-01-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

This is going to be the first in a series of explorative entries. I have a lot of things that I am going to move through rather quickly as a means to sort out some questions and thoughts as well as inquire to this realm of kind folks some feedback.

I have an incredible connection to Christ, and Christ Consciousness. I also have some struggles with this. My struggle does not question the existence of Christ. It has been rather evident in my 22 years that I have a real relationship with Him. But I have noticed that the realtionship that I have with Him, is not the same relationship that I see others having. I acknowledge that there are many levels of kinship, and various experiences from each individual to the next, but this does not feel like the same sort of differences that I have experienced. I have opened my heart to many faces of peoples experience, and truley connect with them. I find it lovely and important for me to be in a community of people that explore thier relationship with Christ, and have done so for most of my life. But I also feel outside and questionable a lot. I have faith, and trust and Love, and I am working on letting go of my masquerade of humility and intellegence, but there is something else here. Something that I am aware that I have not put my finger on in this article, mostly because I intend to spend some time on writing it out a little later today. I trust that this is a safe place to explore this. I I think you in advance for your patience with me. I yearn to explore my connection with people who are interested. Much love. And I will be writing a lot more in a few hours! Mim

Fabrique au God.

2005-01-17T15:33:00.000-08:00

To be made in God. My imagination is pulled through a spectrum of light, comprised of threads that burn as brightly as the sun, and consume as throughly as an abyss. Woven fragments that I am beginning to be able to name with confidence. I feel that my faith has developed a crossroads. I have an emotive, physical and intellectual grasp on my personal spirituality, and I have an emotive and intellectual grasp on a universe of potential and questions. I do not feel I have to choose a single direction to trace. Rather, I feel that it would serve me to relinquish fear of choosing, and convert the split into a wider path. I have noticed that the more I pull away from fear, the less room darkness has to consume nooks and crannies and eat away at me. I prefer to not be consumed by darkness and fear, so I think I will relinquish my addiction to satisfying it.
I have also noticed as I am outside of knowing, the more inside I feel the knowing. The less I neatly package everything, the more precise and clear everything seems.
so...onward fair day! Ignite my heart and hear my song in praise. mim

A forest of small things

2005-01-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there is a part of me that can Hear the voice of God more clearly than any other part.
I am discovering ways to breach my will crafted barricades, beyond recognizable personal mythology and desires and move into listening. Sensuous deafness dwelling outside of knowing, rejecting fear and truly dancing on injustice. Each step becoming more aware of what I could not know, and more in Love with the Divine body of knowledge that exists in each precious moment.
Today my breath can hear God.
Its strain to move through my body is reminiscent of this effortless struggle.
Love.
Mim

this listening.

2005-01-14T13:13:00.000-08:00

Peeling away thin layers to discover a fruitful bed of questions under my skin seems to be an inclination that I have. I am not really seeking answers, just the next big question. I have discovered listening. I listen to the world around me a lot. I listen to architecture, forming patterns that are rythmically similar to traditional African drum sequences, I listen to parents when I over hear them talking to their children in public, because I know there is a child somewhere inside of me that never heard what they are saying, and that there is a reason why I am hearing them at that moment, I listen to loving exchanges and try to integrate them into my internal vernacular, I listen to wind and how it gusts through my molecular self, I listen to ( ), anything that I can hear, tangible and implied. I am now listening to something else, maybe again. I know that I have heard this voice before, a long time ago, and I know that I have heard it in all of the aforementioned instances, but it is much louder now. Much more personally located. This voice lifts me. I know that I can trust this listening because I have been guided in ways that have truly opened me. I accept the love that I have in my life. I accept the depth and pace at which I move, and everything that I hear supports this growth. This voice does not have a name, or particular qualities. I do not seek to define it, just to be with it.
I want to listen more.

... with abandon

2005-01-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

I have always had a rambling spirit, a constant desire to keep on moving. Maybe I have been afraid, and have known nothing else. I think that I will always be moving, sifting, begining, but I have quietly been seeking stillness for some time now. I think the stillness has found me, and I no longer need to seek it. I have recently experienced fear without being compelled to walk away. I have a friend in my life that has effected me like no other friend has. She is so warm and so strong, and has permeated me to my depths and challenged everything that I thought I could have known. I have been so afraid of this closeness, that I let her know that I love her often, by means of convincing myself that she won't abandon me, or maybe that I won't walk away from her. She is not my mother, but she has loved me with a depth that a mother loves. I have had a real fear of mothers...lol. My mother has never been a friend to me. Part of the stillness that has found me, is a trust that I am loveable. It is not inconcievable that this woman would love me. She has brought me closer to God, and closer to everything that I love, and I love loving her. I don't convince myself of that any longer, I just know.
I also did not run off stage the other night when I sang. I have never stood through my own fear and broke through to a place where I felt that I was truly making love with music. I have always run away, either verbally deflecting my fear, or literally escaping. I am thankful that I woke up to how I have been responding to my fear, and it began remedying itself. ahh...I am so excited! So...stillness...with abandon.

sweetness

2005-01-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

I feel sweetness touching my souls ability to release. I sang tonight! For an hour and a half I mulled in my sweat and compulsive twitching, to then stand up and pour out spirit. I frankly have no idea what I sounded like, but I know how I felt, I felt free. I have wanted to Really Sing and move with abandon in front of other people my entire life, and I finally had enough courage to really do that. I was so incrediblly scared! so scared. I also read a poem that I wrote about acknowledging and overcoming shaming words and actions that took place in my wee years. That took place before the time waiting to sing, which set up an involved and proactive environment for me to really pour and not be afraid of myself. So now i am very sleepy, so goodnight, and sweet dreams! love, mim.

today.

2005-01-09T23:39:00.000-08:00

I surrender. The keeper of the sea has finally breathed his last watery breath in my ear, my song has touched other voices songs, my origin is mending, and I have found a grain of sand in a universe of potential. Take me, and fill me! There is nothing more for me to do other than continue to love. mim.

disentanglements.

2005-01-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Admist all of the joy I have experience in all of the time that I have been living, I also have this capacity to hold and see despair. I think it is a gift to understand despair, and I am thankful to not be naive. I am also thankful that I am truly able to see joy. In the last week I have flipped like a fish out of a fish bowl between joy and despair. Quickly accessing both, and quickly processing both. Neither of these states has swayed me too deeply, and the vibrations of both have steadied a neutral frequency that has allowed to deepen my connection to God and the world around me. I feel like I can take both extremes in, and convert them both to useful energy.
I was in a moment of sadness last night. I have been deeply connecting to God lately, in ways that a year ago I may not have been able to imagine. I was in sadness because I did not know how to trust. Really trust. I have always needed to have my presence assist or dictate. I let go last night. I thoughoughly let go. I felt Gods hand guide me last night. All of the things that I have prayed for could not come through to me, because I was not open to them. I have been very close to being open for a very long time, but my reservations created a filmy layer of resistance and defiance. I have been gifted with a strong will to survive, and be proactive and love. I have just also been gifted with an ability to surrender. To be a servant. To trust.
Thank you to all of those that have been and will continue to be a part of this journey with me. Much love. mim.

To the depths!

2005-01-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

Everyday it seems as if a new layer is being softened and lifted! Every event, conversation, hug...is a conduit for growth! I have begun to really accept that I need not to be stunned or surprised by every magical thing that happens, because it is a part of this marvelous existence. Although, admittedly I will probably always be filled with wonder. I have really begun to see the face of love. I had a series of conversations yesterday that all were about love, and how it was seen reflected in the world and relationships present. Within all of the conversations I had, I repeatedly came up to the same realization. Everyone needs to give and have as much love as possible! I am aware that this is said a lot, but I am just now begining to feel that this is something that is happening, but also something that needs to happen more. There are so many paths to love! Every major conversation that I had yesterday had a hindrence in how love was given or recieved, because there was a wedge of "what is deserved". Yesterdays lesson for me is that love is not something that anyone should deserve. There should not even be a question! I am abadoning my addictions to disappointment. When the world comes to the point where it has to make a choice, about whether to love or die, I want it to have enough memory and abundance of love to know that is what it should choose. I am really begining to be open to these depths, and make responsible and loving choices. All of this really excites me and keeps me going. Phew...writing in this way has really been incredible. I feel clear and concise. So...to the depths, I have a whole day to go live! Much love! Mim

inklings

2005-01-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

Today is a beautifully blustery day.
Snow is something I feel that I could know about! I don't really have to think when it's snowing, just know.
I have had a lot of thoughts as of late about the state of everything that is happening right now. I am breathing stale air in a computer room, whirring with communication, while others are being lifted to God, faces against the sand, praying for release. I am admittedly surprised that I started this Blog, because I am kind of a ludite. I was not aware of the Tsunami until a few days after it happened, but I am sitting here typing to an unknown audience...doesn't that seem sort of strange? I once heard from a man who was giving a lecture that the book of Revelations is upon us now, (why would it give warning, and be asked in for tea?) I have to say that I agree. I do not think this means an abrupt lifting of all systems currently in place to create chaos at once, without choice, but one could see that there is a major rupture in the fiber of consistancy in our reality. I think that this choice that I have made to beleive that everything has purpose, is mysterious, and that there are observers, assistants and regressers at work right now, has really affected my life choices that I am making right now. I have not ever had a relationship with my mother. She was very distant when I was in her care, and I was removed from her care at age 11. She did not speak to me for about 11 years, then made a come back. I have been so resistant to her. Everything about her hurts me, and I have spent 4 years avoiding her at all costs. I don't know what happened, but I woke up about a month ago, and realized that I needed to let her know that I love her. Let her know that she Really is loved, and that she is a beautiful creature.
My mother is very ill, both physically and mentally. The other day I was with some very close friends as they put thier dog Clementine to sleep. She had diabetes. I realized that day that my mother was going to die. She also has diabetes, and her body is breaking down, and so are our barriers. I feel there is a sense of urgency right now! I keep falling in love, and changing so fast that I feel like I am giving birth to an alien version of myself everyday! Maybe life is giving birth to me. I am not doing this alone.
well...maybe that is enough for right now. To those I know, Much love. To those I don't, still much love. Mim.

A series of furtunate events.

2005-01-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

As a first post, I suppose I should introduce myself. I am mim, serious inquirer and explorer! I am interested in seeking and displaying anything that might come my way! So...It seems nice to have a space to display what I might find! I intend to enjoy writing, and hope that some might find pleasure from reading! In any case, Onward!
The new year has been a very adventurous one thus far! On new years I managed to entice myself to jump into the ocean! This was far from being an act of novelty, not only because there is very little pleasure taken from being very, very cold! Another reason is because my father died from drowning in a temperature not unlike what it was a few days ago, and I had a very serious moment connecting physically with what my dad may have experienced. I was the last one out, and as a result of the time spent in the water, I could not feel my feet for about an hour. I think this helped my year start off in a very proactive way! It was painful, but I also felt released from having to carry my father around with me. Another thing that really served to clean out unknown and unwanted residue was a group of dear friends and I spent a number of hours together telling our stories and praying! I went through my relationship with my father and how his death affected me, read a poem I wrote 4 1/2 years ago, written right after he died and finally really said goodbye! I felt lifted from a burden I didn't even know I was carrying! It was also cathartic because I am just now as a 22 year old begining to let people into my heart. There have always been people in my life, but a family of really close friends has really found their way deep into my once completely self sufficient heart and nestled! Not to say that I am not able to take care of myself anymore, and have suddenly developed dependent realtionships, I have just allowed myself to develop deep friendships that have weight in my life that are supportive and amazing!
So...there is a little (or maybe a lot) of insight into what kind of character I am...I intend to write frequently! Farewell for now! Mim.